WhateveR

it so annoying how i try so hard to do well and get absolutely nothing out of except negativity and discouragement………..

i’ve been studying my ass off and doing every project to the best of my effort and even writing extra credit essays to bring my grade up.

and it hasn’t even done anything to my grade. it just sits there.

but what sucks the most is loosing hours of sleep before a test, because all i do is sit there and study the stupid shit. 

LIKE WTF DUDE… WTF.

sick of it.

i’m just sick of everything and everyone.

i get pissed off for absolutely no reason. i turn myself off so i don’t have to talk to anyone or pay attention, because the littlest things seem to make me upset lately, and sometimes theres absolutely no reason for it, i just get really depressed and i don’t know why….

during the day, at school, my only wish is to just go home, so i can be alone because im so sick of dealing with the same old shit every single fucking day.

• i’m sick of the materialistic girls whose parents give them anything their little hearts desire and yet they still manage to find something to complain about
• i’m sick of all the pointless projects and papers i have to do, that teach me absolutely nothing that is necessary for my future.
• i’m sick waking up every morning feeling like shit.
• im sick of all of the pressure my parents put on me with school and crew……the seasons over.
• i’m sick of being treated like a fucking 10 years old.
• i’m sick of hearing about friends back stabbing one another
• i’m sick of the damp smell of the hallways.
• i’m sick of having no air conditioning.
• i’m sick of seeing hard work unaccounted for or not awarded.
• i’m sick of seeing nasty nast couples basically get pregnant in the hallways.
• i’m sick of getting doors shut in my face
• im sick of people stepping on me, shoving me and hitting me 
• i’m sick of school lunches
• i’m sick of people sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong.
• i’m sick of the immature scumbags throwing shit at innocent, sweet people and laughing.
• i’m sick of the rumors
• i’m sick of high school

I CAN’T WAIT FOR FUCKING SUMMER SO I DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS EVERY DAY……..at least for a while.

nationals.

the first two races out of the 3 were truely incridble and we never thought that we’d do as good as we actually did. 

coming in first place in both our semi and our qualifier really gave us high hopes on medaling at nationals. however we knew that finals would be a tight race and really hard, and we knew that none of these girls were going down without a fight.

i’m not going to lie, but our start was fucking horrible and we were actually in last place for a while. but within the body of our piece we pulled ahead and had a constant bow to bow battle for third place.

and let me tell you how fucking nuts it was…………

we were so close to one another that i could hear other coxswains screaming “EGG HARBOR IS RIGHT THERE, THEY ARE RIGHT FUCKING THERE, DO NOT LET THEM PASS YOU, GOOOOOOO!!”

it was so fucking hard, dude. we were in a dead even tie for third and when we pasted over that last 500 meters of the race and everyone began to sprint, all i could think about was getting ahead and letting the screaming of the crowd numb out the pain….. and with under a second. a fucking milasecond, dude, hampton won third. 

afterwards we were pretty upset. i mean 4th place in the US and Canada is excellent, but we were all crying………not because we lost but because this was our last race as the egg harbor township womens varsity 4. that concluded our season. that WAS our last race together……ever.

all five us will never race in the same boat again . 3 of them being seniors and graduating and 1 out of the 3 rowing in college. 

it hit me that at practice i cant turn around to my bow seat and be like 
“hey cailyn, guess what happened to me today?” 

and i can’t make fun of milly for fogetting how to count when coxing a peice or a race.

i can’t tell taylor to bring the rate down or have our daily rides to and from practice singing stupid songs and eating almonds like they’re crack.

everythings going to be so different without them. and thats what made me cry.

i’m so proud of everyone that raced this weekend. you’re all amazing and i couldn’t imagine working with any other girls. congrats to the jv4 for snatching the bronze. way to go eagles! onto next year!

senior fucking year. LETS DO IT.

things that erk me beyond belief

• when people say “look out” or “watch out” rather than “excuse me”
• flo rida
• when people say they miss you, but pass you every day at school and don’t say a single word or send a look in your direction.
• kids who drink their childhood away.
• when people tell you how much they care about something and then the next day they dont give a flying fuck.
• people who cut in lines……like what makes you think that you are better than anyone else waiting in that line?
• immature fucks who throw things for no reason.
• Shakespeare’s shitty plays.
• how we have school buses with seats made for 5 year olds.
• when i thank someone and they don’t respond or say anything.

waking up feeling incredible about myself :)

that hasn’t happened in a really long fucking time.